Sometimes I listen to pop music covers. One particularly made me realise how deeply society’s stereotypes are still embedded in me. I heard a guy singing Miley Cyrus’ We Can’t Stop and somehow it didn’t sound so bad when it was a guy singing it. And it struck me. JH fucking Christ. Was I internally judging Miley Cyrus’ lifestyle that much just because she’s female? Yeah, I did. For shame.
I’ve never really taken to the twerking craze. Mostly because I find it a bit too much for my taste. But so what if other people like it. Who am I to judge anyone else’s choice for their own lives? If you think about the endless amount of songs made by men about partying, drinking, clubbing, having sex (this varies in crudeness and intensity), drug use and so on, it’s just a normal aspect of the male agenda, right? And if you actually do find those activities to be wrong, why isn’t it equally wrong for both genders?
I am, like most, usually uncomfortable publicly speaking about my personal sexuality but if not me, then who? I’m tired of waiting for some other woman to step up and start saying the things we’ve all been thinking but just been too nice to say it. Up to today, female sexuality remains severely unexplored. People (including myself) joke about how late in civilisation the female orgasm was discovered. But then you legitimately think about why the idea of females finding sexual intercourse pleasurable was so heavily rejected by society and it really sobers you up. Female sexuality is an aspect that has been blatantly ignored for decades. The information that is actually taught about this topic is severely watered down, factually incorrect or non-existent in most communities. This is not something that is history; it is still a thriving reality. Society’s sexism has been built upon a framework of insecurities and fears. Why else would straight men reject a biological function of the opposite gender that would mutually benefit both parties involved? Why would you want the person that you’re supposed to love to only associate your sexuality with their pain and discomfort? How would that ever make a sane person feel good about themselves? People seem quite surprised at my lack of desire for any traditional type of marriage. I find that men are far more shocked at this than women are. The same man who tells me that I need to find someone to settle down with and start a family often bitterly jokes about his nagging wife at home with kids. I hear so many jokes like that. Men complain that their wives annoy them all the time. They hate giving her their money. They hate having to “babysit” their own children. They complain that their wives get old and fat after birthing small humans from their bodies and they are left desiring younger and newer models, you know… like cars. They complain intensively of their claim that she has the easier life. A lot of men openly say that they hate their wives and that marriage killed their happiness. Another man started off with “I mean, I love my children now but when I look at my friends’ lives and they’re rich and still having fun I can’t help but…” and trails off. Then why are you recommending this life that you so clearly hate to me??? Can you not see that your gender role bullshit has proven time and time again to not work for both people? Another quick connection that I can’t help but make about a man’s sexual ability is when he complains that the woman he is with barely has sex with him and doesn’t participate. Yeah, buddy, I’ve got bad news for you: it’s because you’re selfish in bed and she doesn’t like it. Sexual desire to redo an action with someone again is measured by previous experiences. This pattern goes on for years in most relationships and there’s a number of reasons why.
If you’re a man, try to imagine having to deny the existence of your sexuality every single day. Try to imagine being trained to never question the unmentionable between your legs. Male sexuality isn’t just open, it’s thrown in your face at every turn. Even nursery rhymes were teaching little boys about their sexuality and making them comfortable with it. I remember the song that sang about a little boy who, for some strange reason, “only liked the lady in the yellow mini skirt”. Teachers, moms, dads everywhere thought the song was adorably mischievous. Now imagine if that was substituted for a young girl having a cute crush on an older man (like most of us did… seriously, this shouldn’t be a secret). I know for sure that I would have been forbidden from ever singing it. Most TV shows and movies have long been representing male puberty as a normality to just accept from sons. “Boys will be boys” is a term used to sugarcoat reprehensible behaviour, justify any male action and wherever else it could possibly ever be forced to fit. The lack of corrective raising of sons and glorifying their every action regardless of good or bad leads to individuals with severely delusional self-views. I genuinely feel pity for this type of person. Being unaware of your own person has very damaging consequences. For one, it is an extremely difficult mindset to break away from. I find men so attractive when they’re genuinely comfortable and secure about who they are. I hate it when men never want to admit that they don’t know something no matter how abstract the topic, or never wanting to ask for help especially from a woman, or requiring perpetual gold stars and assurance of being needed, etc. For me, those are things that make me never take a second glance at someone. Male masturbation is known by all. It’s everywhere. Boys aren’t made to feel ashamed of their desires. “He’s a man” is the kind of explanation constantly given out. I’m not against the penis; don’t get me wrong. Contrary to popular belief, women are far from disgusted with penises (unless you’re unhygienic). It’s pleasing to the eye and body for a lot of women. It does blow my mind, however, that no one knew that women liked sex too. Yeah, I don’t believe that people just didn’t know. They did not want to acknowledge its existence for fear of their own inadequacies. I’ve never truly understood the extreme insecurity of size. Even if it’s not the greatest one in the world, if you pay attention to the girl’s pleasure too then you will be rewarded greatly. But now I want to discuss why I struggle to believe the propaganda surrounding why this was ignored for so very very long.
I don’t object to sexuality. How can I since I’m human and alive? The only part I don’t like is when the portrayal of sex objectifies one person (most of the time it’s the female, of course). There’s supposed to be participation and enjoyment for both. If anything female human beings are far more sexual than men. Let’s look at some facts. Did you know that a clitoris has 8000 nerve endings? Just for reference, the penis has 4000. I call bullshit when men give excuses for not tending to the girl’s desires too or even acknowledging her as a participant. She’s just the person that sex happens to, not with. The average female orgasm lasts 5x longer than the average male orgasm. The record for most orgasms in an hour is 16 for men. It’s 134 for women. Male fetuses can get erections (weird af) in the womb but don’t experience full orgasms until puberty. Did you know that female humans experience orgasms from as early as 3 years old? Remember all those times that you couldn’t understand why sitting on the washing machine felt so good? Yeah well… by now you should know. Shouldn’t it be insanely obvious that women are extremely sexual beings? I think so. I’ve also never understood polygamy. How can one man’s limited sexuality satisfy many women? Seriously. It’s more logical to have it reversed. I’m not advocating for that though. It’s just something that held no observable rationalisations for me other than needing like a million children. I get sad when I hear views on sex that are associated almost entirely with jack-rabbiting. The church that I attended prided themselves in claiming that sexual pleasure is the ultimate sin. Like the Catholic church, they ban the use of contraception because of the belief that sex is purely for reproduction and pleasure is sinful. Something that really struck a chord with me during my religious childhood was the pastor’s personal views on sex. He held many forceful sermons on how women should be and how sex should happen (I’m serious, even though there were many children in the audience). I clearly remember the shock of hearing about how foreplay is sinful. He says he never allows his wife to kiss his neck or do any of “that nonsense”. The problem with being against foreplay is that it is not the man who suffers. When women aren’t properly aroused sex is painful and uncomfortable. Christianity, particularly the extremists who believe the bible in its entirety, has viewed women solely as a possession for male pleasure and reproduction. Leviticus gives god’s laws pertaining to the slave trade. It permits a father selling his daughter into sex slavery and allows the buyer to demand a refund if he was not satisfied with his purchase. It commands that unmarried women who aren’t virgins must be punished with death by stoning. There is absolutely no restriction or punishment for the male counterpart UNLESS the woman was married. Then this merits severe punishment for violating another man’s property. If the girl is unmarried and the sex was not consensual (rape) then the rapist’s ‘punishment’ is that he has to pay the father of the girl for damages and he is obligated to marry her with no probability of a divorce as long as she lives. So the crime was against the father and the outcome for this crime is the girl being sold as a sex slave to relive the trauma for the rest of her life. If you weren’t aware of these “god-given” laws and you hold Christian beliefs, you might want to actually read the text that you claim to stand with. To this day I have never heard a woman from that church EVER even mention the word “vagina”. The only topics that I was ever left to associate sex with were pain, the nine months of misery that follows impregnation and that during childbirth tearing, bleeding and cutting occurs. I remember people saying how husbands have to tolerate being screamed at by women during labour. I remember people laughing at women that cried and scream-blamed their husbands for putting them in that situation. Of course. Women, right. So melodramatic about a process that, without modern medicine, is one of the leading causes of female deaths.
But I’m tired of this depressing and factually incorrect representation of female sexuality. Let’s discuss it for what it is; amazing. Sex is one of the very best parts of life. It is a core human instinct. Even though I am a woman, I did not know much about my own body and my own desires until much later on in life. Puberty for girls is regarded as the step into womanhood – meaning the ability to produce offspring. Menstruation education for both males and females is so minimal and taboo that most girls, like me, don’t even know what it is until it happens. Even then it doesn’t make sense and continues to baffle and torture for years to come. Any girl’s first period is terrifying, to begin with. Very little is done to prepare girls for what puberty means to them. Yes, as much as puberty involves menstruation and a chest that disallows you from applying even the smallest amount of pressure, puberty is also involves increased sexual desire for girls as well. I never knew why my mother yelled at me for sitting on the washing machine. It turns out, her explanation of “girls don’t do things like that” only confused me. Do what? I had no idea what it was. In retrospect it’s funny, but why is it shunned so much only for women? It’s infuriating that so many girls in their puberty phase are sexually assaulted. Most of the time they don’t even understand what is going on. I’ve met girls who developed Stockholm syndrome from their abusers. They lost the ability to associate anything sexual with good. I refused to ever refer to another girl as a “slut” or any other term that demoralizes her sexuality. When school girls display severe promiscuity it is almost guaranteed that she has already been previously violated. When you’re taught that virginity is your most prized possession and it has been stolen forcefully from you, it makes the human feel like spoiled goods. There’s no longer any use in treasuring your body and choice. A relative of mine was labelled “slut”, “whore” and so on by most people around her. The reason was that she ‘slept with every boy she met’. She wasn’t a virgin even at 13 years old. Logically, think about your life before 13, especially if you lived in the 1970’s. How on earth would a little girl know anything about sex unless someone showed it to her? It wasn’t even taught in schools at all. She hadn’t even reached puberty. You would have had to live under a rock for the entirety of your life to not know that she had been raped. So no. I will not join in on kicking down a human in desperate need of compassion and justice.
Myths and ancient tyranny have emptied females’ lives of happiness, pleasure, self-fulfillment, and basic human dignity for too long. I have learned that arguing your right to be a human being with someone who genuinely holds these ancient lies as truth just doesn’t work. I’ve learned to just ask why. You will find that most of these strongly stated claims have literally no background information other than old superstitions. They’re hoping that a loud and forceful statement won’t warrant further questioning. I’ve been realising recently that the very core of sexism is insecurity of self and the fear of women. Think about how much power a woman holds. We are the gender that has the physical ability to make more humans. We have far more control over our sexual desires than the average male. Everyone has the ability to empathise. It’s a characteristic you should strive to have. So many men openly deny their abilities to feel emotions that are good. That, to me, is weakness. Male relatives I once knew would teach ridiculous things like ‘men don’t use lotion or any skin products’. Yeah, it was pretty clear that you didn’t care for your skin. It was so wrinkled, dry and unpleasant to the touch. No matter what your gender is, you need to care for your body and health. I’ve never understood why testosterone is considered the “superior” hormone. In a cave man world, it could have worked but an excess of it has proven to be detrimental to society. Too much testosterone is linked to aggression, violence and a decreased ability to reason. In order for a human being to function optimally, a balance of the hormones is needed. For the benefit of those who don’t know, everyone has both hormones. Everyone. Then why do you have to be one thing? Why can’t I just be as I am. It’s ridiculous to try to categorise people’s feelings. When girls are assertive, they’re labelled as bossy. When boys are they’re called confident leaders. Why should we deny the existence of a huge part of who we are just to fit into society’s made up boxes of what you should be based on your gender. I don’t fit and I won’t make myself. “If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.” -Shakespeare. People say the most illogical things and call it facts. “Girls are like boys nowadays”. What does that even mean? If someone has the freedom to be an individual and their actions and mindset doesn’t match the gender stereotype, does that not cancel out the myths of the genders being that vastly different? The very concept of masculinity is based on primitive behaviour. Emasculation; what is that. Honestly. If you’re a man, you just are. No one can take that away from you. Just be yourself. And also, what is up with that joke about if women were in charge then wars would be a bunch of countries not speaking to each other. How is that a bad thing. Would you prefer the reality of bloodshed and inumerous horrors of the past? Wars have been the product of aggressive, totalitarian male leadership. Our world is dying, people have suffered and are suffering, oxygen levels have decreased due to deforestation, climate change repercussions are only beginning to terrify, so many species are extinct because of hunting, overindulgence and just the selfish need to feel superior over other creatures. This behaviour, if continued, will end the human race and the planet. Brawn shouldn’t be valued above brains. But I digress.
The mystery of the female orgasm and why it even exists is still only in stages of putting forward hypotheses. There are so many types of female orgasms, so many combinations, so much bliss. Recently there was an article published that proposed that at one stage of our evolution the female orgasm and male orgasm were both required for the initiation of the ovulation cycle. It is further proposed that female humans evolved to no longer require that process for ovulation. However, the female orgasm stayed around to help maintain female interest in males since it is still needed for fertilization. I found this explanation fascinating. I mean everyone knows the purpose of the male orgasm. But why does it occur for women as well? And why is it so much longer and stronger than the male type if it has no reproductive purpose? If you’re a girl and you cannot relate with me on this chances are that you’ve not yet had a mutual sexual experience before. If you’re a guy and no woman you’ve been with has experienced this, you’re not just denying her happiness, you’re also missing out on what could be a phenomenal sex life. Girls, stop faking. You’re doing yourself a huge disfavour. Give directions. Learn how your body works. You are not the optional orgasm half and sex should never be unpleasant.
Most women are very unaware of their own sexuality. I’m a prime example actually. I’ve always been able to appreciate beautiful women. I often found myself feeling overwhelming admiration for certain women to very confusing levels. I’ve only come to terms with my sexuality this year.
I’m definitely going to need a continuation since I’ve seemed to share only a tiny portion of the information on female sexuality and I want to elaborate on why so many women are bisexual but unaware of it.