I like her: Identity

Sigh. Since it’s officially out there’s no point in being cautious about how I approach this topic anymore. It’s been two months of bliss but now here comes the line of vultures. It’s always the same goddamn lines too. The one thing that I truly miss about being in a relationship is being able to say “I have a boyfriend”. It works on most. It’s sad that another man is the only reason for so many to respect refusal from a girl. That line does more than a girl’s simple “no, thanks” ever could. I’ve stopped saying thanks just to be polite. It seems to be sending the message that I just need a bit more convincing to change my answer. I do have to add that male confidence never ceases to amaze, astonish and, too often, bewilder me. And men really do have each other’s backs. Seriously, ladies, get with that program for us too. I’ve learned that if you want to complain about being annoyed by certain types of male attention just don’t vent to your male friends. You will not get the much-needed release. Men do, in fact, empathise. With other men. About getting rejected by women. This amuses me. I prefer to be the person to approach a guy if ever I am interested. I really wish women would start making that more common. I feel like men assume that they will never know unless they try. That’s so annoying to me. If I liked a dude, he’d know. Simply because I’d let him know. I’m quite simple in that respect. There are no hidden meanings; I mean exactly what I say. A lot of women do. It’s these stupid lists that keep trying to box people into one of two categories. Please stop telling me to not be irritated with reachers. Why are women hated on for being honest? There is so much hypocrisy around men who call themselves “nice guys”. I wasn’t out of reach because I was in a relationship. I’m out of reach because I don’t like you. What is there to like. Oh, is that too harsh? Should I consider your feelings over mine? It’s difficult to figure out whether any guy is truly a friend. The friendzone doesn’t fucking exist. These “nice guys” hover around your life waiting for what they consider an opportunity. It’s insanely creepy. Why do guys think it’s a compliment to openly state that they stalk me. Why do they think it’s a surprise to me that they find me attractive. I hate the One Direction song What makes you beautiful. According to it, you’re beautiful when you don’t know it. If women are confident about their appearance, they’re conceited bitches. I take care of myself. So I prefer someone that I match with. Open your eyes to your own hypocrisy. Why do YOU like me? Superficial reasons of course. And those are the same reasons I don’t like you back. Ooh, such a bitch, right. I could not possibly roll my eyes any further back. Fathers need to stop giving their sons undeserved courage. Stop telling them to be reachers. Don’t ask me out if I’ve never given you any indication of being interested. You’re burdening me with finding words that won’t hurt your feelings. I’ve entirely lost the urge to be kind to self-proclaimed “nice guys”. Is it such a crime for women to prefer physical attraction. It’s not that nice guys finish last; it’s that they finish first… if you know what I mean. Just as it’s biological that men like boobs and asses on hot women, we like abs, nice dicks, talent, and endurance in a man. It is entirely biological to not like lurking, insecure creeps who jerk off to your photos and physically stalk you. My attraction to men isn’t entirely superficial though. Being hot isn’t everything; if you’re boring, annoying, prejudiced or dumb I’m still not going to consider you. You cannot police people’s preferences. It’s either I like you or I don’t. Whatever my reasons are, are entirely irrelevant.

I don’t dislike this city. It’s quite beautiful and chilled. I’m not fond of the people though. Majority of the population here seem stuck in their cultures. My tattoo artist was one of the realest guys I’ve met. I love being around humans who are so clearly just themselves. I was initially hesitant to explain why I wanted that design but I gave a very vague summary out. He didn’t ask for more than what I gave him. When he said that I was different I shrugged and said: “I’m just myself. If everyone was themselves we’d all be entirely different.” I then listened to a man rant about how he sees all these people walking around; just clones of social expectations. I’m so sad that he moved away. This city is stifling. I don’t like tradition. I don’t like old-fashioned. I don’t like prejudice. I am mostly South African Indian but with a bit of mix thrown in there. I find it ever so rare to find myself attracted to the men in my race. I grew up surrounded by the culture and I truly despise it. When an Indian guy asks me out, I just hear: “Will you be my new mommy whilst being hated by my real one?” Yeahhh, I don’t think so, buddy. Apart from that, the extreme sense of entitlement to Indian women is nauseating. Just because we have similar levels of melanin in our skin does not in any way automatically grant you a shot. It seems as if so many Indian men feel that they have claim over Indian women in general. Interracial couples that have an Indian woman in it will get passing comments like: “Oh, what’s wrong with us?” from strangers. Comments from male Indian friends can sometimes be way worse. I once lost my shit and punched a guy for incessantly making racist comments about my then white boyfriend. I did feel bad about it for a while after but in my defense, I was severely drunk and growing more and more angry at the racism. It’s so refreshing to meet an Indian male who has broken away from the toxic behaviours that thrive in the culture. When I say culture I mean prejudiced mindsets; not types of clothing, god beliefs and food. I appreciate and truly love differences in people as long as it does not harm or seek to undermine the human rights of another. Is it really that controversial to want all humans to be free, happy and safe? That sums up literally everything I believe in. Specifically, in Indian culture, it’s almost unheard of that women get to keep their own surnames. The entire idea of women changing their surnames post marriage is such utter bullshit in my opinion. Why. Why is it so important that women be the half that changes their very identity. It historically indicates a change in property ownership, ie. father to new husband. I will not ever change my surname. I cannot say that I am fond of the manner in which I inherited it or the people who share it with me, however, it is my name. Mine. The only thing that was given to me from birth. Every achievement I’ve gotten, every award I’ve won, every article I’ve written, my very degree certificate and everything I own has my full name on it. There are stories and a person behind my name. To change it would be to betray my own identity. To this day I’ve not yet met a man who is entirely indifferent to a woman refusing to change her name. It’s something that is so severely ingrained into the male ideology that most men feel that their wives must have their surnames. Why yours? If you do want the same surname for the family, why the fuck should it be yours. The aggressiveness toward women who choose not to change their surname or switch back to their original surname is horrific. A lot of women cave into it to avoid conflict and then severely regret changing their names. It feels like giving up a critical part of yourself that makes you, you. The reaction that men have is often equated to cheating. “Angry husband fills wife’s car with concrete after she changed her surname.” Women who don’t want to take their husband’s surname are considered disrespectful. That’s so ironic. I cringe at the thought of being a ‘wife’. I don’t think I could get used to it. Loss of identity isn’t just in the surname; it’s when people refer to you solely as the wife of …whoever. Sometimes, particularly in the older generations, the wives of pastors are referred to as Mrs “man’s full name”. Honestly, what the hell. Do you really consider yourself that insignificant to revoke your entire person? Being a wife isn’t a job. Or it shouldn’t be, in my opinion. Marriage shouldn’t change a person. It should add to your life and take nothing away from it. I’m not keen on birthing small humans from my body but I have so much respect for those who do and love their kids. It’s a huge sacrifice in so many ways and I get so upset at seeing how severely underappreciated it is. Why are pregnant women expected to just carry on with normal life? I mean I get that you can, women are so badass, but why should you have to. It’s pathetic when men expect their wives to continue doing so much during pregnancy. In a perfect world, I think women should just go on holiday and just relax for the entire 9 months. If anyone asks you to do anything say you’re busy goddammit. Tell them you’re making a fucking eyeball or an arm. Pregnant women are tired all the time because of the strain of building another human. Nutrition and body composition is being extracted from them to make a child. Why the fuck do they have to do absolutely anything else during this time. Sleep, eat and relax. You need it. Men get so much undeserved praise for just having sex. It’s the women who actually give life and nurture. So stand up, do shit and let her rest. That’s my take on it.

Masculinity is the most fragile concept I’ve ever come across. The desperate need to prove oneself through aggression and hostility is just so ridiculous. Just calm down. Seriously. Stop trying to dislocate other men’s hands in a simple greeting. A man who requires feelings of dominance to feel like he’s worth something saddens me. Equality removes the prejudices that men face too. I will never think less of a man who is purely human. Your worth is not equivalent to your bank balance, your car or your ability to ignore your human emotions. Cry as much as you fucking want. Be as sweet as you fucking want. Have as many cute bromances as you fucking want. Girls actually like that. I don’t know who likes bad boys. Who. I don’t. It’s entirely biological to be attracted to a genuinely happy, confident, humanitarian man. Men who love animals make my ovaries flutter. I’m serious. It’s natural to choose a potential mate based on their abilities to nurture. So few men have real male friends. The rest are dependant on women for companionship and real conversation. That’s a massive burden to place on women. I find that too often in relationships guys tend to rely so much on the girl for their own happiness. That’s so tiring. I feel like relationships should never complete a person. To me, it’s just two whole individuals who want to hang out, talk about deep shit and fuck. Why would you want the other person to physically need you around? That’s a sign of deep-set insecurity. Men need to talk to each other more. I don’t understand how the human need for social interaction is fulfilled by the meaningless repetitive chats I’ve heard amongst men. Sure sure, ass and titties… so awesome; but seriously, try talking about what you think, how you see the world, the massive fucking universe, your own issues and so on. Grab lunch with your mate even if there’s no beer involved. Friendship isn’t unmanly. Why is it socially acceptable to go to the pub, drink beer and have a chat but as soon as the drink is non-alcoholic you’re not straight anymore? You can watch movies together provided it’s an action movie but you cannot go shopping together. Come on. Stop putting ridiculous fragile restrictions on friendships.

It shouldn’t take this long to discover yourself. I feel as if my life is only just beginning. The world is not as scary and difficult as we were raised to believe. Every time the working world is referred to as ‘a man’s world’ or being at sea being ‘no place for a woman’ and so on it just pushes women to feel as if we don’t belong anywhere. This is our world too. We have as much right to live fully and freely in it as any other human. Feeling out of place is something that is just too common for women. Constantly being singled out as the only woman in the room is so frustrating. What’s with men apologising for swearing when they notice a woman around? You don’t think that women swear? Or the annoying request to cover your ears before they make a dirty or sexist joke. I’m not a fucking child. If you have time to apologise beforehand then you can make the time to rethink your words and shut the fuck up. It is not a two-way street when it comes to sexist ‘jokes’. Men will make stupid cliche comments and get annoyed if the girl gets rationally upset. Sexism still thrives in society. Joking about real issues like sexual harassment is not fucking funny. And if you want to make ‘go make me a sandwich’ jokes, don’t get all offended at my jokes about fragile masculinity. The amount of horribly offensive things that women let go because it’s not worth it is ridiculous. Yet we’re assumed to be the sensitive ones. Have you ever tried joking about issues that men face? The backlash you get will shock you. Don’t make jokes if you cannot take them in return. Being expected to pay for everything isn’t equally as bad as sexual harassment. Seriously.

We are held to a higher moral standard than men. So much is excused of male behaviour but even the slightest wrong done by a woman gets blown so far out of proportion simply because “You’re a woman. You should know better.” So men don’t know any better? Why are they considered superior in that respect then? I feel like people really don’t take into account that before we are women, we are human. As much as I try my best to be nice to people I come across I’m not always that successful. What I’m trying to say is that women too can be assholes. I’m serious. Sometimes I have to slow down and scold myself for being a dick on the road. I get impatient and I do have a short temper. But I’m trying. Are these flaws entirely unacceptable simply because I don’t have a penis? It’s so evident in everyday life from the shocking amount of men prancing around telling women to smile. It is not an overreaction to be annoyed with this. It’s so disrespectful to another human to underestimate what is making them upset. Regardless of having legitimate problems, we don’t owe the world prettiness or smiles so if you do want to see smiles so badly, ask men too. Increase your target audience. Why are we expected to feign happiness to keep others happy whilst men get to be openly depressed, angry, frustrated, stressed and even rude without being told, in essence, to get over it? It’s so fucking rude to ask a girl if she’s PMSing. I will properly shame a man who ever asks me that. It’s an attempt to trivialise women’s feelings. Female suicides are so often seen as less tragic than male ones and often even joked about.

Why do people disregard celebrities’ basic human rights? We hold celebs more accountable than politicians and law enforcement. Our tax money pays government salaries and their decisions directly impact us but you choose to download a song, go to a movie or anything dealing with entertainment. I don’t think that their jobs deserve that much money in the slightest but unfortunately, that’s just how the world works. If they’re rich it’s because they have an audience that pays for their entertainment form. No one is obligated to listen to their music or watch their movies. Yet they are shot down for daring to express their political or personal opinions on the platforms they’ve earned to speak at in their industry. So, are celebs not allowed political opinion or should they never ever publicly express it? As I get older I begin to understand why mental breakdown happens to a lot of celebs. I don’t like the Kardashians. My opinion is that they’re all really stupid and irrelevant to society. However, they’re not rich from stealing your tax money. They have an audience and it pays them. Celebrities don’t owe the world anything in my opinion. It’s up to their own moral ethics to decide to help out. No one can force you into giving up your money; it doesn’t somehow change and make it okay to silence their real voices because they make a lot more money than you. This story about Harvey Weinstein is really bringing me down. Why do even good men want to reject the reality of how bad rape culture is. If you’re not a woman, you cannot possibly know or understand everyday experiences that follow women. Rape statistics are through the roof and it doesn’t even account for the endless unreported incidents. So, if rape culture is exaggerated who the fuck is doing all the raping. Seriously. Men everywhere are pretending that this Harvey Weinstein story doesn’t exist or that women are just ‘jumping on the bandwagon’. Jesus fucking Christ. No woman is shocked at these stories. This is our fucking lives every single day. It’s more common that these predators chase after young women (especially teens) because they know no one will believe them or take them seriously. We are bullied into silence. Not all men rape. But all men do benefit from women feeling under constant threat of violation. It makes women fly under the radar and let you keep all the fucking power because standing out makes them more appealing to the creeps. Sometimes I purposefully make myself appear severely unattractive when I’m feeling uncomfortable at a location. Hopefully, no one will even notice me. We miss opportunities and almost never get placed in positions of power because of this shit. The rapists walk among you. They are your homeboys, your heroes, your bros and your relatives. They’re fucking everywhere. When you refuse to believe the women who have the courage to speak out it sends a terrifying message to the rest of the victims. You will come out as the ‘bad guy’ for accusing men of these things. You will be shamed and even if they do believe you it won’t be a big deal to men unless it directly affects them. Most of the time the perpetrators are reintroduced into society and all is forgotten. Everyone knows now. So what is left to be done? They’re still treating him the same and it’s you who has to live with it. More often than not it is men in positions of power who have zero fear of being caught for their predatory behaviour. A drivers license test is nerve-wracking enough on its own. In our country, we have to hope that a hefty bribe isn’t requested in order to pass fairly. But then what happens when you’re sitting nervously waiting for your inspector to have his paperwork ready and another loud disgusting, middle-aged inspector notices you. “What a rose. You know honey, I’m a gardener for roses like you. I like to pluck roses. I hope you have no thorns.” Laugh it off. You have to. Don’t jeopardise your license. But then he starts pleading with my current instructor for over 30 minutes to let him take over my test. My entire body went numb. I looked at my inspector and I know he saw the desperation in my eyes. Please say no. Please. And he did. I felt a rush of gratefulness to this man. I wanted to get him a gift to thank him for not letting that awful disgusting man be alone with me. How sad is that? So much gratefulness for him not giving me up to be harassed and/or assaulted. When I was around 14 years old there was this relative (cousin of my mother or some shit) who was ordained as a preacher, self-righteous as fuck and quite young – around 26 years old. He lived near my high school and was considered a family friend, so when he offered me a lift home after extra classes I gratefully accepted. The drive was so uncomfortable. He was weird and creeped me out. When we got to my road he told me he’s not going to take the turn since he doesn’t want anyone seeing him. I was confused but I thanked him and made a move to get out of his car. “A thank you isn’t enough. You have to give me something in return.” The look on his face sent chills down my spine. I nervously whipped out a chocolate bar that I had bought earlier that day and held it out to him whilst talking fast to distract him from me opening the car door. By the time he rejected the chocolate and replied that I owed him affection, I was already out the door. I just ran. A few years later my friend asked me for help because he would drive slowly next to her every day before school begging her to get in the car. He even tried to grab her. And not just her; other girls too. We were too afraid to speak up because we knew no one would do anything especially after he became a pastor. I’m sick of using euphemisms to describe my childhood. I get judged so harshly for getting angry with sexism and abuse. I still get comments from people, even people I once considered dear to me, that I should maybe reconnect with my biological mother. And to all those people I say “fuck you and mind your own fucking business”. Men seem to think that they can “think objectively” about problems that don’t affect them because they’re not using their emotions. How stupid do you have to be to hold this belief. The less struggle you face, the harder it is to empathise because you’ve never been there. Cutting off biological family is not fucking easy. I’m sick of people assuming that I woke up one day and decided to be a bitch. It’s hard not to be hypocritical with your own advice about opening up about your experiences. I don’t think it’s anyone’s business and I don’t want to fucking talk about it. But I have to. I feel like I do. If you haven’t already picked up on the blatant hints in my previous posts, I was sexually abused for many years of my childhood. It started before I even went through puberty. And yes, my biological parents were fully aware of it. As long as I wasn’t fully raped they were okay with it. All they worried about was “what would people think”. My pastor came to know about it (I told him), yet he performed that man’s wedding ceremony two months later. I’m fucking sick of women having to live with monsters everywhere. I’m sick of men talking shit about things they can’t possibly understand. Sit the fuck down. Just sit. I’m sick of “good” men defending their entire gender every time a girl tries to share her experience. It’s honestly starting to feel like men just hate women in general. Women don’t force men into circumcision, genital mutilation or try to take away their precious viagra. Did you know that in the US viagra is covered by medical aid? Guess what isn’t covered…? Every fucking thing that women need. No birth control. No sanitary equipment (this is taxed as a “luxury” item on top of that). No freedom to choose for their own fucking bodies. I do not believe that ANY man should ever have a say about abortion. It’s not called pro-abortion; it’s pro-choice. It is a woman’s human right to own their own bodies. Regardless of whether you think it’s moral or not, you cannot remove a human’s right to their own bodies. There are so few males that I truly have respect for. So few. The verbal diarrhea that men have about women’s personal lives is so sickening. It takes so much restraint to stop myself from making them cry. I’m sick of men pretending to be superior and using the female gender as an insult. “Suck it up, man. Don’t be a woman.” – said to a man in pain. You’re such a girl.” – said to a man about fainting at the sight of blood. And so on. It’s so illogically stupid. Women have higher pain thresholds than men anyway. Every fucking 21 days Lucifer’s red waterfall tries to crush our fucking uteruses. And you never know unless she tells you. During my period I survive off painkillers. Or I’d be paralysed with the pain. It’s hard to even stand up sometimes. And no one ever fucking knows unless I tell them. Women see more blood than men. Duh. Or we’d be fainting for days on end every month. We deal with ignorant men every fucking day. We suck it up every day. We pay our gynecologists fees (runs in the thousands) without complaint. We get nothing for free or subsidised by the government. We live in constant fear of men wanting to rape and murder us. We are incredibly paranoid about making mistakes because we know it’s going to be blamed on our gender. So excuse me if I’ve had enough. Don’t tell me to smile. I will hurt you. I rehomed my gorgeous dog earlier this year. I was forced to under threat of relocation and uncertainty. If I look angry or upset in public it is not okay to tell me I need to smile. Men are so fucking stupid about this topic. Honestly. You’re assuming that my problems aren’t big enough to warrant unhappiness even though you’re a complete stranger. I just stared at him while he nervously packed my stuff away. Why don’t men tell other men to smile?! They just sympathise when other men are angry and/or leave them alone. Women are people. We have way more problems than you do in any case. So YOU smile to brighten our day. You can walk on the streets and not be terrified of being violated. The ungratefulness that men have for this critical life pleasure is ridiculous. Most women are insanely depressed because of this tiring life we are made to endure. Stop wondering why we get so angry. Just stop talking and listen. Millions of women did not internationally convene to come up with this evil plot against men. To you, it’s a story. To us, it’s just another day that we have to find a way to deal with.

I’m going to just let this secret out that all the old ladies taught us to keep. I’m getting really irritated with the repercussions that come from men not knowing this. We don’t need you at all. Not. At. All. We are physically taught and conditioned to make you feel needed. The general consensus is that men protect and women nurture. I can’t agree with that from my experiences. If that is true, an excess of men should make you feel super protected, right? That’s funny; because I just feel the need to be extra vigilant. Who do men protect? Can anyone tell me? I’m not seeing it. The most common form of male protection should be renamed to possessiveness. It’s a power play; not a loving gesture. In the area I grew up, most girls hated their older brothers. They made life miserable by lording over their sisters’ lives. This behaviour is encouraged and practiced by fathers. There was zero respect for female individuality and choice. How do you expect women to hold men in high regard when all we ever heard from fathers, brothers, male friends how careful we should be around other men. “Men only want one thing.” That phrase is exclusive to men. I get impatient with men who defend their gender based on their own ideas. I say that most men I’ve met have been horrible. I’m sexist? Jeez. I am telling you my experiences, not attacking your gender. It’s not a hypothetical analysis. It’s literally based on real events. I honestly feel myself rapidly losing the ability to be nice. It’s exhausting when people just don’t deserve it. Women are too nice. That bothers me so much. Male delusions are perpetuated because we just don’t want to hurt their feelings. Choosing not to hurt feelings over the threat of your own life and bodily harm is ridiculous. Even if they cry, at least you’re not dead. Stop being so caring about hurting feelings and value the truth. The longer I am single the more I understand why men don’t get laid. Majority of men are fucking useless in bed. It’s not that girls don’t want to bang. There’s just nothing in it for most girls to even desire. Did you know that heterosexual women have the least orgasms? Ironically enough, straight men are the worst at pleasing women. I’d rather switch to celibacy than lower my expectations. But I will talk about that in the next post. It’s time for women to step up and take control. I think men have fucked up the planet and society for far too long. Wars, death, bloodshed, rape, genocide, extinction of species, pollution, abuse… please just sit down. The world needs kindness, compassion, empathy, environmental sustainability, animal love, nurture, selflessness, and safety. I can no longer trust men to bring change. The ones in charge now seem too power hungry and self-obsessed. You cannot convince real change to people in their comfort zones of power. It’s not even in their best interest to change. Selfless humanitarian men are the rarest of their kind. If you are one, I probably already love and respect you.

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